(We’ve got some major spoilers for “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” in this article)
There’s been a lot of discussion about how “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” seems to exist just to pull out references to the franchise’s past in an attempt to fill the film’s running time with fan service. But at some point, if you go too far with that, you just end up making a parody of the thing you’re trying to pay respects to. And that’s exactly what happens when we learn that every ship in Emperor Palpatine’s gigantic fleet of Star Destroyers is actually a Death Star.
OK so let’s talk about this. At the very beginning of the movie, the Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) reveals that he has a giant fleet of Star Destroyers that he’d kept hidden under the ice on Exegol for who knows how long. If Kylo Ren proves a suitable successor to Palpatine’s Sith legacy then the First Order gets to have this fleet. Allegiant General Pryde (Richard E. Grant) remarks later that if they get that fleet it’ll increase their military strength “ten thousand fold.” And then, just before the final battle, we learn that every single one of those Star Destroyers has a Death Star superlaser that can blow up a planet.
Also Read: The 21 Worst Parts of 'Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker'
This is a truly unbelievable revelation. The Empire just trying to fix every problem with a Death Star has been a joke among “Star Wars” fans for decades. It was a bit surprising, because of that, that folks embraced “The Force Awakens” after it presented an extra large Death Star that could blow up several planets at the same time. But this is something else. This is a fleet, referred to in the movie as the biggest fleet the galaxy has ever seen, that is made up entirely of Death Stars. It’s a fleet that is so big that it has 10,000 times the power of the First Order fleet that just conquered the entire galaxy.
So we’re talking about literally thousands of Death Stars. A threat so gargantuan, and never even hinted at before “The Rise of Skywalker,” that it makes everything that happened before in this entire franchise seem like minor conflicts — like the previous eight movies are all “The Hobbit,” and “The Rise of Skywalker” is “The Lord of the Rings.”
I’ve got so many questions about all these mini Death Stars. If the Emperor was just hiding out on Exegol for 30 years, then where did he get the biggest fleet in galactic history from? Why did the First Order, which Palpatine was secretly the leader of the entire time, have to completely build its own fleet of new Star Destroyers from scratch if the Emperor had that fleet? Why would they build a giant Death Star, presumably at his command, when he’s got those Death Stars just sitting there in the ice, plus the technology to apparently affix a Death Star laser to any capital ship?
Also Read: 'Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker' Actually Makes 'The Last Jedi' and 'The Force Awakens' Worse
But this article is not about those questions, to which there are no answers right now. Right now all I’m trying to do is remind everyone that “The Rise of Skywalker” has too many Death Stars. Adding a fourth Death Star in six movies would be silly. Adding thousands of Death Stars all at once is parody. Except “The Rise of Skywalker” is an actual mega-budget “Star Wars” movie, not some cheap farce thrown together by the “Meet the Spartans” guys. They put a fleet of Death Stars in this movie, and it wasn’t intended to be funny.
I just don’t understand.
20 Unlikely Celebrity Christmas Albums That Make You Go 'Huh?' (Photos)
If you're looking for something a little different to listen to this holiday season, you've come to the right place. TheWrap has found some "interesting" options to your standard Sinatra, Buble or Mariah Christmas tunes that'll either have you singing along… or scratching your head.
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" If you're a fan of "South Park," this is a must-have for you. It harkens back to a 1999 holiday-themed episode of the adult animated sitcom in which a, well, piece of poo comes alive and starts singing Christmas carols. And this album was born. Among the "untraditional" yuletide cuts are "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo," Merry F---ing Christmas," "What the Hell Child Is This?" and "The Most Offensive Song Ever."
"Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album" And you thought you had seen just about every "Star Wars" marketing gimmick possible, right? Well you were wrong. Following the release of "The Empire Strikes Back" in 1980, producer Meco Monardo created an entire Christmas-themed album. Not only does it include spoken lyrics by C-3PO and bleeps from R2-D2, it also boasts Jon Bon Jovi three years before his band was formed. Songs include "Christmas in the Stars" and "What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas?"
"Hung for the Holidays" Remember William Hung, the 2004 "American Idol" contestant who grabbed 15 minutes of fame for his rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"? Well, he's cranking out holiday tunes now, like "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Winter Wonderland." Good for a giggle or two… or just the need to put a smile on your face.
"Snoop Dogg Presents Christmas in tha Dogghouse" Let's just say the word "explicit" is tagged on to the title of every song. Like "My Little Mama Trippin on Xmas," "Christmas in the Hood" and "A Pimp's Christmas Song." Snoop Dogg's 2008 album may not be right for the kiddies, but his funkadelic rap style blends surprisingly well with holiday cheer.
"Sugar & Booze" "SNL" alum Ana Gasteyer showcases her singing talent in her new holiday album that she says "is a nod to the swing sound of the '50s and '60s but with a modern twist. It is festive, with a full-bodied sound, that I hope makes people feel joyful, jolly and gay." Mission accomplished. Among the tracks are a "Secret Santa" duet with Maya Rudolph and a retro-Cuban beat, a Mambo take of "Sleigh Ride" and original songs like "Nothing Rhymes With Christmas."
"Christmas at Luke's Sex Shop" If the title of the album or the "parental advisory" label on its cover doesn't grab your attention, maybe the songs will. The Miami rap group 2 Live Crew gives new meaning to "naughty or nice" with this collection thanks to its heretical tracks, including, "Ho Ho Hoes," "Christmas Spliff" and "Christmas F---in’ Day." Egg nog and mistletoe, anyone?
RCA Victor"Christmas Eve with Colonel Sanders" Who doesn't like that old holiday tradition of listening to carols while unwrapping presents Christmas morning… while noshing on a bucket o' wings? Col. Harland David Sanders – the white-bearded old guy with the jolly disposition who is not Kris Kringle – released albums three consecutive Christmases starting in 1967. Offered at his restaurant chain KFC (then called Kentucky Fried Chicken), they were a compilation of popular artists at the time. Does the Colonel sing? No, not really. But he does rock a Santa hat like no other.
Comedy 3 Entertainment"Christmas Time With The Three Stooges" Yes, you read that right. The raucous slapstick trio originally cut a Christmas album in 1960. But if you're looking for "Silent Night" or "Little Drummer Boy," this album is not for you. Among the selection of songs is "Down Through the Housetop" (with wacky sound effects), "We're Coming to Your Home" and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." As one Amazon buyer wrote, it's "kind of obnoxious but the kids love it."
Cleopatra Records"Shatner Claus – The Christmas Album" William Shatner adds his comedic spin to 13 holiday classics, making them more like exaggerated dramatic readings then songs you'd hum along to. From a punk rock version of "Jingle Bells" to "Feliz Navidad" delivered with exclamation points, it's just about as entertaining as it gets… even if you're not a Trekkie. Reviews on Amazon go from "Life changing, comedy, and entertainment gold" to "Oh No No No."
EMI Nashville"Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas" Believe it or not, the Robertson gang from "Duck Dynasty" actually have some pretty good pipes. In addition to songs performed by special guests including Alison Krauss and George Strait, the Robertsons sing "Ragin' Cajun Christmas," "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" and "Hairy Christmas." By the way, in 2013, this album debuted at No. 4 on the Billboard 200 and No. 1 on the Billboard Top Country Album chart.
Charlemagne Productions"A Heavy Metal Christmas" Christopher Lee – yes, the actor that played Count Dracula, a Bond villain and the baddest of baddies in "Lord of the Rings" and the "Star Wars" franchise – also has an operatic bass voice and is totally into heavy metal. No joke. Although there are only two tracks on this album ("Little Drummer Boy" and "Silent Night"), it's pretty cool… especially since he was 90 when he recorded it.
RuCo, Inc"Christmas Party" – RuPaul The popular drag queen has three Christmas albums to his name: "Ho Ho Ho" (1997), "Slay Belles" (2015) and his latest, "Christmas Party," that was released in November. It goes without saying that the language is naughty in each track and the subject matter veers pretty far from the virgin birth of baby Jesus. Among the ditties, RuPaul's version of "All I Want for Christmas," which includes a request for cheek implants and buttock augmentation.
BMG Special Products"Bonanza: Christmas on the Ponderosa" Who knew the Cartwright men from TV's longest running western series could carry a tune let alone actually have great voices? It's true. Lorne Greene (Ben), Michael Landon (Little Joe), Dan Blocker (Hoss) and Pernell Roberts (Adam) all show off their musical talents performing Christmas standards like "Deck the Halls" and "The Newborn King." You'll love it so much you'll shout "yee-haw!"
edel records"The Night Before Christmas" David Hasselhoff is a triple-platinum selling pop superstar in Europe. Yes, the "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch" guy is a bona fide Elvis in Deutschland. That said, it was no surprise when in 2004, he released this Christmas album with songs like "Joy to the World" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman." But if you go, "What is he saying? I… I don't understand" when he sings "Silent Night," that's because he sings it in German. In other words, Frohe Weihnachten und ein glückliches Neues Jahr.
Tom Wopat Inc."Home for Christmas with John Schneider and Tom Wopat" "The Dukes of Hazzard" bros teamed up for an 18-track album of Christmas tunes with a country twist, of which one Amazon buyer says, "How can a child of the 1980s not love this?" The good news is that both Schneider and Wopat can sing, and they do it well. In fact, they harmonize. On the flip side, they do a tongue-in-check version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" with a lyric rewrite to "Johnny It's Cold Outside." 'Nough said.
Geffen Records"Christmas With the Brady Bunch" Greg, Jan, Peter and the whole gang gathered around the Christmas tree to deliver a potpourri of holiday tunes, including Bobby singing "The First Noel" and Marsha's take on "Away in the Manger." Those who grew up with the Brady kids will like the album for sentimental reasons, but one Debbie Downer on Amazon wrote, "This is what you get if you've been a bad little boy."
Sony Music Entertainment"A Rosie Christmas" Rosie O'Donnell enlisted a bunch of her superstar friends (including Trisha Yearwood, Elton John and Billy Joel) to join in ringing in the holiday season on this cheerful album. It features "The Magic of Christmas Day (God Bless us Everyone)" with Celine Dion, "Gonna Eat For Christmas" with Gloria Estefan and "Christmas Baby Please Come Home" with Cher. Although one Amazon buyer suggested the comedian/actress "stick to your day job," another said, "Not a fan of Rosie the person, but she sure put together an amazing Christmas album!"
Merge Records"A Very She & Him Christmas" The "she" in this duet is Zooey Deschanel and the "him" is M. Ward, and together they are a folk/indie rock duo like no other. The Grammy-nominated Deschanel lends her smooth and deep jazzy singing style (one Amazon buyer says "Zooey's voice is pure silk") to songs like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and "Silver Bells." And for "New Girl" fans, their cover of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was featured in the Season 1 episode called "The 23rd."
Sony"Ally McBeal: A Very Ally Christmas" OK, so, this isn't only the cast of the David E. Kelley dramedy; it's more or less a showcase for Vonda Shepard (who was Ally's singing voice) with a little help from the series regulars. Calista Flockhart (Ally) gives her best comedic, seductive take on "Santa Baby," while Jane Krakowski (Elaine) sings "Run Rudolph Run" and Lisa Nicole Carson (Renee) tackles "Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney." Oh, and a duet with Robert Downey Jr. (Larry) is thrown in for good measure.
Warner Bros."We Wish You a Merry Christmas: 15 Great Christmas Favorites Sung by Warner Bros. Stars" Fans of mid-century TV, have we got an album for you. Among the participants on this curious collection are TV stars of yesteryear, like Robert Conrad ("Wild Wild West), Efrem Zimbalist Jr. ("77 Sunset Strip," "Maverick") and Roger Moore ("The Saint). If you're really itching to hear this one, good luck finding it. It's only available on vinyl and super rare. Better yet, check out an old episode of "Wild Wild West" on YouTube. At least that'll give you a Bob Conrad fix.
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‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ Has Way Too Many Death Stars - TheWrap
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